Good comeback

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”

He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

A Humor Moment

I know I’ve been posting a lot of grim stuff lately and you should expect to see more of that tomorrow. But I thought of a creative way to piss off the police if I ever get arrested that might actually make them laugh at the same time. When you get arrested, as they’re carrying you off in the squad car, sing the chorus to Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven slightly off key and at a higher pitch than the lead singer. So you’re riding towards the station and they’re talking to the station and all and hear:

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

You might be able to get on the car cam and end up in COPS or Police Videos.

Proof that Men Have Better Friends…

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

From the mouths of babes: How to get to Heaven

HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?

I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN’ DEAD !”

3-Figure Brains, 6-Figure Incomes

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!” (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” She said, “But they look so close on the map.” (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?”
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”
10. A lady Senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. On a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty!”
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up e very airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere. “The lady retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” The reply? “Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in.

A Touching Valentines Story

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

“Since  Valentine’s  Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa’s father thinks a  bit, then says: “No, I don’t think  God would get mad. Whom do you want  to give a Valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why  Osama Bin Laden?”  her father asks in shock.

“Well,” she says, “I  thought that if  a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to  give Osama  a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all  bad,  and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids  saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a  lot.  And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much  he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her  father’s heart swells and he looks at his  daughter with new found pride.  ”Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.”

“I  know, ” Melissa says, “and once  that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.”

The Collard Greens

An old black man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebugg Jankins III, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Junebugg Jankins the III,

I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won’t be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son

Dear Daddy Jankins,

Whatever you do, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.

Love,
Junebugg Jankins III

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,
You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Junebugg III.

A dichotomy of beliefs

What you have to believe to be a democrat

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
2. Businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3. Guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
4. There was no art before Federal funding.
5. Global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.
6. Gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. The AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8. The same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
9. Hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
10. Self esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
12. The NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. Taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.
15. Standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16. Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.
17. The only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.
18. Conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
19. Homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. Illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
21. The posting of this list is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy

What you have to believe to be a Republican

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when W’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find bin Laden” diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
10. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
11. Global warming, evolution and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
12. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
13. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet
14. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George W Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
15. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.
17. That George Bush won the election fair and square.
18. The posting of this list is a part of a pervasive and pernicious commie faggot lib conspiracy

Pornogastronomy

Eating something that by your official stance, reputation, etc. you aren’t supposed to. The vegan who sneaks an egg or a bite of cheese here and there. The carnivore who munches carrots while nobody’s looking. It’s porn. It’s the sneaking of a pleasure that goes against a religious or philosophical position one has taken. At first you’re committed. Then you have pizza with the other side. You’re picking off their ingredients off your slice. Then you find yourself catching bits of flavor here and there and you start thinking about tasting the actual thing. You try to explain it away with half-baked justifications like it’s just a black olive slice. As long as I don’t eat the green ones I’m okay. Finally those famous four words oh what the hell rise up in your consciousness and things are nearly too far gone. You fight the thoughts…the temptations. Then you’re eating meat on business trips where no one knows you. After that you munch bits of turkey while you’re getting Thanksgiving dinner together. You’d like to come out and say, I EAT MEAT DAMMIT! but you’re afraid your veggie gothchick girlfriend will dump you. You feel guilty every time you go out to the car and see that “Meat Is Murder” bumper sticker. Fortunately there is help available. The folks at The Omnivore Institute have counselors waiting to speak with you. They’ll show you ways to approach loved ones to avoid disowning and abandonment. They’re licensed, degreed psychologists. You’ll get all the time you need to explain your situation and they’ll work with you to get you towards a solution. Just go to their website and find out how you can reintroduce the new meat or veggie eating you to society.

Never needs sharpening

Looks like the TSA will have to add this to their list of stuff you can’t take on a plane. I think for some cooking jobs I’d like one with a blade you could adjust. You wouldn’t want to be slicing carrots and cut into your plate or counter. Also they need to supply a special cutting board that the blade cannot slice through. But that would make one wonder why they didn’t have it in the SW movies. Remember what they said on the Physics of Star Wars. In order for the lightsaber to work it would have to be made of plasma and hotter than the sun.