This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.
The man spoke first: “Hi! I’m John, and this is Mary.”
Mary: “Hi! We’re here to invite you to come kiss Hank’s ass with us.”
Me: “Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who’s Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?”
John: “If you kiss Hank’s ass, he’ll give you a million dollars; and if you don’t, he’ll kick the shit out of you.”
Me: “What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?”
John: “Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can’t until you kiss his ass.”
Me: “That doesn’t make any sense. Why…”
Mary: “Who are you to question Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on the ass?”
Me: “Well maybe, if it’s legit, but…”
John: “Then come kiss Hank’s ass with us.”
Me: “Do you kiss Hank’s ass often?”
Mary: “Oh yes, all the time…”
Me: “And has he given you a million dollars?”
John: “Well no, you don’t actually get the money until you leave town.”
Me: “So why don’t you just leave town now?”
Mary: “You can’t leave until Hank tells you to, or you don’t get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you.”
Me: “Do you know anyone who kissed Hank’s ass, left town, and got the million dollars?”
John: “My mother kissed Hank’s ass for years. She left town last year, and I’m sure she got the money.”
Me: “Haven’t you talked to her since then?”
John: “Of course not, Hank doesn’t allow it.”
Me: “So what makes you think he’ll actually give you the money if you’ve never talked to anyone who got the money?”
Mary: “Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you’ll get a raise; maybe you’ll win a small lotto; maybe you’ll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street.”
Me: “What’s that got to do with Hank?”
John: “Hank has certain connections.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.”
John: “But it’s a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don’t kiss Hank’s ass he’ll kick the shit of you.”
Me: “Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him…”
Mary: “No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank.”
Me: “Then how do you kiss his ass?”
John: “Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl’s ass, and he passes it on.”
Me: “Who’s Karl?”
Mary: “A friend of ours. He’s the one who taught us all about kissing Hank’s ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.”
Me: “And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?”
John: “Oh no! Karl’s got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here’s a copy; see for yourself.”
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on “From the desk of Karl” letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
01. Kiss Hank’s ass and he’ll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
02. Use alcohol in moderation.
03. Kick the shit out of people who aren’t like you.
04. Eat right.
05. Hank dictated this list himself.
06. The moon is made of green cheese.
07. Everything Hank says is right.
08. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
09. Don’t drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank’s ass or he’ll kick the shit out of you.
Me: “This would appear to be written on Karl’s letterhead.”
Mary: “Hank didn’t have any paper.”
Me: “I have a hunch that if we checked we’d find this is Karl’s handwriting.”
John: “Of course, Hank dictated it.”
Me: “I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?”
Mary: “Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people.”
Me: “I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they’re different?”
Mary: “It’s what Hank wants, and Hank’s always right.”
Me: “How do you figure that?”
Mary: “Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.’ That’s good enough for me!”
Me: “Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.”
John: “No way! Item 5 says ‘Hank dictated this list himself.’ Besides, item 2 says ‘Use alcohol in moderation,’ item 4 says ‘Eat right,’ and item 8 says ‘Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.’ Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too.”
Me: “But #9 says ‘Don’t Drink,’ which doesn’t quite go with #2. And #6 says ‘The moon is made of green cheese,’ which is just plain wrong.”
John: “There’s no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As to 6, you’ve never been to the moon, so you can’t say for sure.”
Me: “Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock…”
Mary: “But they don’t know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.”
Me: “I’m not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn’t make it cheese.”
John: “Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!”
Me: “We do?”
Mary: “Of course we do, Item 5 says so.”
Me: “You’re saying Hank’s always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That’s circular logic, no different than saying ‘Hank’s right because he says he’s right.’”
John: “Now you’re getting it! It’s so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank’s way of thinking.”
Me: “But…oh, never mind. What’s the deal with wieners?”
Mary blushes. John says: “Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It’s Hank’s way. Anything else is wrong.”
Me: “What if I don’t have a bun?”
John: “No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.”
Me: “No relish? No Mustard?”
Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: “There’s no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!”
Me: “So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?”
Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: “I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la.”
John: “That’s disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that…”
Me: “It’s good! I eat it all the time.”
Mary faints. John catches her: “Well, if I’d known you where one of those I wouldn’t have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I’ll be there, counting my money and laughing. I’ll kiss Hank’s ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater.”
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
This is a cursory analysis of the notion that George W. Bush is a born again Christian and is therefore justified in the mindless following that he enjoys in nooks and crannies all over the country. I will not go into anything that I’ve heard about what goes on at the Skull and Bones fraternity as it is not relevant to this discussion.
He says he’s a converted follower of Jesus Christ, AKA born again. While that carries a great deal of weight with Christians sometimes they get inextricably caught in an emotional undertow and follow a person too far and for too long. They get on autopilot and disconnect from any critical analysis of a person’s actions against what they have said. I believe this is what has happened among many of the “churched masses” across the country, with this president.
He has been a member of the Skull and Bones club for 40 years. When questioned about it he parrots “It’s so secret we can’t talk about it.” Therefore he puts that ahead of his oath to this nation and anything he has said in the direction of Christ. When a person goes through the conversion process to become a follower of Christ, according to most in evangelical circles, they are expected to turn away (repent) from their past and any associations that contributed to it. They were sinners and have repented of those actions. They are also expected to break ties with everything associated with a previous lifestyle. Now if he said that he had repented and renounced Skull and Bones when he came to Christ he should be willing to talk about his experience. He shouldn’t be saying it’s too secret to talk about. So assuming that his association has been repented of when he became born again, he is holding that oath as above his commitment to Christ.
A person’s word has to be followed by actions. If he says he is born again Christians can give him benefit of doubt so long as his actions are in line with his words. He has clearly shown difficulty with fidelity in this area on numerous occasions. This is also not a case of someone who is struggling with something like an addiction and keeps repenting and screwing up. The benefit of doubt suggests that such a person’s heart is in the right place and they deserve compassion, sympathy, second chances, and the like.
Christians are therefore in error by clinging to his previously given word without examining his actions. If anyone thinks I am judging his heart by what I am saying, then look at it this way. The heart is inward. Actions are outward. The people, (everyone) have no business faithfully following a leader who lies and makes no attempt to repent or correct it or own up to it. Such a leader needs to be replaced.
Lying publicly and then repenting privately is no good either. It just makes it easier to come back and tell more untruths whenever it is deemed necessary. The people who have been deceived deserve an apology. They need to be asked for their forgiveness.
What’s really sad about all this is that in the minds of many this whole administration will stand squeaky clean despite all that will ever be said to the contrary. So it is quite possible that “history” will judge him as a good president.
by Chuck Missler and Mark Eastman.