I dated this girl once. If you can call it “dating.” I mean we went out once. It was a date. She was a classmate in college and I was attracted to her and she found me…well something. Anyway we were talking. And at some point she brought up the [...]

‘Cause if you make love to a doormat you get rugburns.

Chapter 2: The Enema My ex has a son who’d be about 24 now. They have a relationship that is hard to describe. It’s like the umbilical cord is still attached and and there’s a hint of some sort of incestuous carrying on happening behind closed doors from time to [...]

Why is it that some of the most wonderful ladies I know end up with the most egregious assholes on the planet?

I have decided to sue the Unilever company, makers of Axe body spray. I have been using this stuff for a couple of years now and I have yet to be fondled or chased by women while wearing it. If any other guys want to join me on this suit, [...]

A funny thing happened on the way to the coffee shop. It happens in most large cities and less in small towns around the country. You’re standing in line at the movie theater, sitting in a booth at a restaurant, walking down an aisle at a grocery store…pretty much anywhere. [...]

I am not undressing you with my eyes. I am giving you a foot-rub with them.

I just went through and wiped out all but two of my contacts on eHarmony. I had indicated in my profile settings that I was willing to relocate to find a “mate.” Maybe I would be some day. But right now I have too much going on to consider anything [...]

Chapter 1: The Erection This was late in 2003. So we were in her doctor’s office waiting for her son to come out of the surgical procedure he was having done and she hands me this brochure for Levitra and says, “I think it’s the new Viagra.” Okay to avoid [...]

What’s your sleep number, baby? Yeah I made it up, but those commercials are on every damn channel, so you know it’s coming.