Please, before you drop the gargantuan cube composed of a single 9000mile long noodle into the hot water, take it outside and kick it around a few times. Hit it with a sledge hammer. Shoot it with a shotgun. Haul it up on the roof and push it off. Make [...]

She’s so self-absorbed that no matter who picks up the phone she immediately thinks you’re currently working on her job and starts talking to you like you necessarily know what the hell she’s calling about.