My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can’t remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE…and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Keds (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option…even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah…and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played ‘king of the hill’ on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn’t sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
TO ALL WHO DIDN’T,
SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN’T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING
Chuck Norris
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead punched his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living $!@% out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck successfully roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.
In 1989, Phil Collins challenged Chuck Norris to a drinking contest. Collins passed out after the 6th shot of moonshine. Chuck Norris went on to drink 12 more shots and a pint of antifreeze just to prove Collins a pussy. This, of course, led to the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year.
If you try to say Chuck Norris five times, as fast as you can, your head will explode. If it doesn’t happen to you, you’re not saying it fast enough.
Chuck Norris fought a cloud once because it rained on him.
Chuck Norris doesnt look at the toilet paper after he wipes.
Michael Jackson didn’t have facial reconstructive surgery. Chuck Norris kicked him in the face for making crappy music.
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Who ever it was is going to get dropkicked by Chuck Norris. And then he will reach into their stomach to get the cookie back. Chuck Norris likes cookies.
Contrary to belief, Chuck Norris would hit that.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a lake, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
Everytime a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bald guy.
There are some things in the world money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was playing Tekken 5 one day and finally met his match. His 12-year old son beat him with Eddy Gordo by randomly pressing buttons. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked his son in the throat killing him instantly.
Chuck Norris was taking and evening stroll in a local neighborhood when a mountain spring water truck slammed in to a retarded child playing in the street. Chuck Norris rushed to the scene, destroyed the driver, and resurrected the child making him normal again. This event is celebrated as a show on TV called Captain Planet.
Chuck Norris’ son once skipped to world 4 and then world 8 via warp pipes playing against his dad on the first Super Mario Bros. His son then skipped to world “traffic in street” and then morgue via his dad’s roundhouse kick.
Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Mr. T.
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
Mr. T’s pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.
You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion’s tail hanging out of his mouth.
Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. The result was the 80′s.
23. That’s the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
Mr. T’s edition of the VH1 show ‘Where Are They Now’ was the shortest in the show’s history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words “Right Behind You” written on it.
Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That’s why he can only kick through doors.
They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don’t have t outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you’re dead no matter what.
In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nuclei and were tired of the other cell’s jibba-jabba.
Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.
Mr. T’s sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.
Mr. T doesn’t feel pain; pain feels Mr. T
The last time Mr. T went to McDonald’s, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.
In 1989, Mr. T systematically killed every member of the band “MR. MISTER” for stealing his first name.
Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.
Mr. T’s incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn’t have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T’s.
Sticks and stones may break your bones but Mr T. will also crush your internal organs.
Why does Mr. T. still have his mohawk? Cause his reflection pities the fool who don’t!
Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
Mr. T is not black. It’s just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T’s neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
Mr. T refers to himself in the third person because he refuses to acknowledge the letter ‘I’, or indeed any non-’T’ related letter.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. But if Mr. T had assisted, it sure as hell would’ve been.